On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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