Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
