ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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