He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
