woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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