How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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