Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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