Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
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