my mouth tastes like poor choices
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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