The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
