im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
