ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
