I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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