no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How's work?
Spinning.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
