actually, I'm a sock model
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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