I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
