I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
