dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
