"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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