cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
