Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
