my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize