Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
