Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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