So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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