I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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