Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
