party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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