just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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