My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
