my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
