the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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