After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
