that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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