You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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