Four minutes until I can fart!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
