In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
