The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
