This is not my ceiling
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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