ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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