I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
