His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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