i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
