Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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