So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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