I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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