I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
