Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
