Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
