How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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