my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
