I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
