i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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