i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
