can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
