girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
