i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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